We don't get no smut
by DCflame
Summary: The Princess Tutu crew confronts the many lemons posted about them in the world of fanfiction - as well as question the absence of smut about a particular pairing... You know you've thought about it. Rated T for suggestive references - no actual lemons or smut in this. Done for laughs. :) Enjoy, and please review.


Duck was scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling down the webpage… And not finding what she was after.

_Okay, so… Me and Fakir are on the list. Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy on the list. And even Fakir and Rue, and… and…_ _Mytho and Fakir!_ Duck blushed at the thought. Can you say **yaoi**, boys and girls? The Princess Tutu fanfiction section was full of it… All the smut one could ever want from Princess Tutu, at least considering the proportion of the smut compared to the non-smut. But there was one pairing missing. The one pairing that, agonizingly… **no fanfiction-er would touch.**

"Hey, Mytho! MYTHO!" Duck shrieks.

"Hey-yo, what do you want?" Mytho asks quietly, slouching over to her. He slurps at his teacup of lemon tea.

"We don't have any lemons."

Mytho frowns and gazes into his cup. "But… I just made myself some lemon tea, and there were plenty of lemons left – "

"I think she means lemons as in 'sex fanfics,'" Rue replies, coming to peer at the computer screen over Duck's shoulder.

Mytho spews all of his lemon tea.

Not noticing (or not caring about) Mytho's mini fit, Duck turns away from the computer. "Hey, Fakir! FAKIR! Come over here!"

"What is it?" Fakir asks, carrying his own mug of lemon tea.

"So, I've been looking, and…" Duck clicks away on the computer for a moment. "Me and you have about exactly… 29 smut fanfics!"

"Good God," Fakir mutters, pausing over his mug. "How many different sexual situations do you need?!"

"Well, there's always the obligatory rape scene," Rue murmurs, ticking off her fingers. "Then there's the whole bestiality thing – "

"It's not Princess Tutu without bestiality," Duck agrees.

" – not counting the ones where Fakir makes you back into a human. Or you are still human to begin with. That accounts for…?" Rue looks quizzically at Duck.

"Erm… Let's see… Around three-quarters of them."

"And, of course, hate sex." Rue grins triumphantly, waggling her fingers. "Four main categories of Fakir and Duck sex scenes!"

"I'm still waiting to read one about us in an amusement park," Fakir mutters.

The other three go silent and stare at him. A moment of awkward silence passes. "What?!" Fakir asks, irked by their stares.

"Well, anyways…" Duck does some quick figuring. "About 7% of all Princess Tutu posted fanfictions include a sex scene. So, the question is….. Why do me and Mytho have none?!"

"Oh, God, not this again," Fakir groans, turning away.

"It's a valid question, but one that's a bit obvious, if I may say," Rue smiles, tossing her hair back.

Duck scowls. "Then… why?"

"Well, what's the need?" Rue retorts. "After all, Mytho has two other partners already – me, the dominatrix, and Fakir, the jerkass."

"I am NOT a JERKASS!" Fakir screams, spots of lemon tea flying out of his mouth.

"Point proved," Rue continues. "And I am the pity-party plus the female sex appeal, so that double-teams you out of the ballpark for smut, Duck. Plus, Fakir is such an abusive control freak towards Mytho that he is the pinnacle of every fan girl's domination fantasy. You never stood a chance."

Duck pouts.

"Hmmmmmmm…." Fakir's eyes widen, and he spins his fingers. "Oh, I get it! So, since Mytho is such a pussy, every fangirl who lusts for him wants to see him be dominated. And me and Rue are the two most aggressive main characters besides him! So we get to screw the hell out of him, while good-girl Tutu is left in the dust!"

Mytho falls to the floor, choking on his tea. No one takes notice, too absorbed in their lemon revelations.

"Well, what about you and Rue's lemons, then?"

It's Fakir's turn to spew out lemon tea. "WHUT!"

"You and Rue have some sex scenes. See?" Duck begins to read one aloud. "_His fingers trailed down the curve of her hips, and in response Rue –_ "

"O-KAY, that's enough!" Rue says loudly, covering Duck's mouth.

"What the fuck is wrong with these fangirls?!" Fakir begins to scream. "One lemon for each pairing would've been enough! But now, in some alternate universe, I've had sex every way imaginable with my best friend and my worst enemy!" He falls to his knees. "My world as I know it is coming to an ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND!"

"Don't panic or anything," snorts Rue. "See, Duck here has had almost as many lemons as you, and she's acting very mature about it!"

Duck throws her hand up, her head bowed over her keyboard. "I wouldn't say that just yet, Rue. I… I just can't take it."

"Can't take what?" asks Mytho, his voice hoarse from gagging, as he picks himself up off the floor.

"You and me… Have never… had sex… even in alternate universes!" Duck tilts her head upwards and sobs without abandon.

"It's just not meant to be," sighs Rue, patting her friend's shoulder.

"I still won't give up!" weeps Duck, wiping tears off of her face. "Someday, I too will know the pleasure of seeing (and feeling) Mytho NAKED!"

"That's the spirit!" sobs a nearly incoherent Fakir, and he, Duck, and Rue throw their arms around each other, sobbing and clinging together for dear life.

When their group sob comes to a gradual conclusion, they pull apart and sigh. "Ah, that was a good cry," exhales Fakir, blowing his nose in a hanky.

Duck looks around. "Hey… Where IS Mytho?"

The three look around the room, then Fakir gasps. "There!"

There is Mytho, lying on the floor, unconscious, in a pool of hacked-up lemon tea.

The three stand around him, speechless and shocked.

Then Duck sighs. "I guess he's really the one who must bear the **bang** of most of this fanfiction debate, right?" She elbows Fakir.

"THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!" Fakir screams.

The end.

* * *

I have had this idea in my head for months - the Princess Tutu crew confronting the many lemons posted about them in the fanfiction world. Of course, things were never supposed to get THIS insane, but if I'm not solemn and emotional about something, then I'm making it crazier and crazier as I go along. But I think this piece reads better that way. :)

Btw, I recently translated this piece in Google Translate to Italian and then back translated it to English, just for shits and giggles. The end result was endlessly amusing, (see what I did there?! lmao Sorry I'll stop...) and this was my favorite part:

_**There Mytho, lying on the floor, unconscious, in a pool of hacked-up of tea with lemon.**_

_**The three support around him, speechless and shocked.**_

_**Then Duck sighs. "I think it's really the one who has to bear the bang of most of this discussion fanfiction, right?" She elbows Fakir.**_

_**"It 's been out of place!" Fakir screams.**_

_****_Just wtf, exactly, is out of place? That translation just... makes no sense whatsoever. Ah, well... Back to serious things, aka discussing the conception of this piece!

Behold, this is the end result of my strenuous search for Princess Tutu and Mytho lemons - I'm not the ONLY one looking, right? Right?!

Lol Actually, I have found two - but they're not under the search you would usually do to find shipping lemons (Mature, Ahiru, Mytho, etc etc) so you have to dig a little deeper to find them.

So, if any other Mytho x Tutu people are out there - please post a lemon? For me? Sob sob I suck at lemons, and they make me feel endlessly dirty when I try writing them, so that's why I'm not writing any myself. Just fyi.

Thanx for reading, and I hope this gave you a good laugh! :D


End file.
